The SDR2 RPG AU Shitpost Fic
by goodpeen
Summary: I made a shitpost fic based on the idea of Hajime killing Nagito. Also, its an RPG AU for some reason.


In a small village, there lived a boy. He is a special boy, although he may not seem like it. He looked like a huge fucking nerd with his tie, tucked in shirt and huge fucking ahoge and sure, he doesn't have any talents, whatso-fucking-ever, andhe's very average in all categories, but he does have one thing for him. He's destined for greatness. This is his story.

Hajime awoke to the shock of water being splashed on him. "Good, you weren't possessed by demons." He heard a voice mutter as he recovered from the water that stunned his senses briefly. That voice belongs to his "grandfather", Damien, or so the male claimed. It really made no sense, Damien was no older that he was and the only reason Hajime found himself taking care of the male is because Damien couldn't take care of himself. He claimed to be crippled because of how gay he was, calling himself cripplingly gay and then laughing about it for an hour. It was completely stupid to pretend it was normal, yet Hajime found himself doing just that. It helped if you didn't think about it.

"I sense a great evil lurking over our village, Hajime." Damien announced. Hajime had trouble remembering the name of the village. 'What was it? Ah, yeah, that's right, it's-' Hajime didn't have time to finish that thought. "Dickshit is in danger Hajime, and you must save it. You must save it from the clutches of the clown."

"Clown, what do you mean grandfather-" He asked, getting interrupted again, only this time he was actually speaking. He swore in his mind at whoever just busted in, not amused with the sudden interruption. The person in question, Floyd, paid no mind to Hajime's anger, for they could not hear Hajime's thoughts. If they could, they'd cry and slap him,

"Lucas has been taken, I can't find him anywhere and I know he didn't get lost again because he never leaves the house when that happens. he just gets lost in the sauce and doesn't know how to get out. Please help." Floyd exclaimed, clearly concerned for his husband. Hajime stared from Floyd, to Damien and finally, to a fictional camera, like it was an episode of the Office. To anyone looking at the teenage male, it'd look like he was staring off into space, but he knew. He knew there were hidden cameras somewhere. The truth is out there. He was snapped out of his rant about the government in his mind when Damien spoke up.

"What did I tell you Hajime? Wild shit is gonna happen. Fetch my longsword, I have a dragon to slay." He went to push himself up out of his chair, ultimately failing due to not being able to stand properly because of his cripplingly gayness. That's a sentence Hajime never thought he'd have to think. He sighed and eased back into his chair, looking at Hajime. "Hajime, you must rescue Lucas from the clutches of the dreaded clown, Komaeda." As if on cue, the sky flashed and the three males rushed outside, Floyd pushing Damien's chair. They stared up at the sky in surprise and horror, as a screen appeared in the sky. The motherfucking sky. How is this shit possible? The video showed a man with hair resembling a cloud if the cloud was on its period. He grinned to the unsuspecting village, waving his feminine hands. He also has a clown nose for some reason, which is very odd.

"I have your village's twink, Lucas," he stepped aside to show Lucas, quietly sleeping as this monster rambles on, "You may get him back if your hope can beat my hope. It will truly be a battle for the strongest hope. You will have one week to send your best fighter, or I will dispose of the twink. May the best hope win," then, the clown man did something that chills Hajime to the very bone. He laughed. This isn't a normal laugh, no, this is much more sinister. It is a maniacal laugh, one that is meant to send fear into the heart of whoever hears it. It didn't scare Hajime, he was determined to destroy this beast. The video cutout and a majority of the village people were panicking.

Screams of 'Not our twink!' and 'Who will eat our vegemite now?' rang through the air and Floyd ushered Hajime and his grandfather inside to avoid the chaos. Hajime sighed, staring down at the floor in an attempt to muster up the courage to face the monster. "...I'll save him." He finally uttered, pulling on a brave face and retrieving his grandfathers longsword.

"Hajime, follow the path that will lead to the mountain. That's where Komaeda's lair is. You'll know when you find it." His grandfather stated, coughing into his arm for dramatic effect. He wasn't sick, he's just a dramatic bitch. Hajime prepared for the long journey ahead, sheathing the massive sword. As he went to leave, his grandfather stopped him.

"Take this Hajime, it will help you when you need it most." He set a vial of an unknown potion in Hajime's hand, it's smell resembling orange juice, Hajime's most frequently requested drink. He gave his grandfather a nod and strode out of the house with the confidence of a student with social anxiety going a public speech in front of the entire school, leaving Floyd and Damien alone.

"You gave him a vial of orange juice, didn't you? Are you seriously that broke?" Floyd questioned him, crossing his arms. Damien grinned and nodded.

"Yeah, but it's gonna be useful. You know why? Placebo effect bitchhhhh." Damien commented, referring to the effect of telling a person a certain medicine healing them, despite not being able to and it still healing them because they believed it. Floyd shook his head and went to go make lunch, hoping that Hajime could return his beloved Lucas home.

Meanwhile, Hajime was walking the pathway his grandfather described when along came a small looking goat. It began to follow Hajime, giving him an innocent look. At first, he found it odd, yet endearing. Twenty seconds later, he was just annoyed. "Leave, I have a quest to do." He shouted, trying to scare it away. It gave him an unamused look and transforms into a human. A very brightly colored human, wearing what looks to be like a magical boy costume for some reason. The goat boy stared at him.

"My name is Max and I'm helping you with your quest. I'm your guardian goat." Max replied factually. Hajime sighed and just shrugged, continuing his way on the path.

"I don't care, just don't make me do some stupid side quest, I'm on a time limit." Hajime walked, the scenery slightly changing. It never did fully change, as the mountain was only separated from the village by a dense forest. He looked up at said mountain and noticed it had a gigantic clown nose and clown face paint. "What is this fuckery? I looked away for five fucking seconds and Komaeda fucked up the mountain. Jesus fucking Christ," he sighs, exasperated. The duo reach a clearing and take a break to replenish their health bars, yep, we're doing RPG references.

"WELCOME TO THE RICE FIELDS MOTHERFUCKER!" shouts a disembodied voice from behind the ahoge donning protagonist. He blinked and turned around. There he was. Filthy Frank, in all his glory, and a pink bodysuit. Filthy fucking Frank. The meme himself. Hajime sighed and sliced through the monster with ease. He turned his back to Frank, walking like an action hero in a generic movie. Like Vin Diesel in Fast Five. As he walked, Frank screamed and exploded into a million tiny shards. 'Nyeh' could still be heard as it echoed through the forest. He lead Max out of the clearing and they continued along the path.

Suddenly, Hajime stopped. He could feel it. His ahoge was twitching. That meant something was near. He didn't notice it last time due to already knowing the monster was there, and not at all due to the authors lazy ass writing.. He stopped Max with some complaint from the goat, then promptly hushed his goat guardian. He peeks from behind the tree and saw Chiaki, one of the village girls. She made his kokoro go doki doki and he loved her. She just loved games though, sorry Hajime, you got cockblocked by Love Live.

"Hajime, come out, I know you're there." Chiaki said, not looking up from her device, which was a PSP with a sticker of Usami on it. It doesn't matter to the story but fuck it, description is key. He sighed and came out of hiding, walking up to Chiaki. She continues to play her game, not caring enough to look up. "Wanna do this quest with me? It shouldn't take more than 20 minutes," she asked, in the process of beating a boss fight. Hajime agreed to join her on this quest, much to Max's displeasure.

"Hajime, stop thinking with your dick." Max hissed in Hajime's ear, causing the protagonist to wave him away and follow after Chiaki like a lost puppy. Jesus Hajime, keep it in your pants. Because the author can't be bothered with details, the trio started on a quest that had a goal of getting a rare life flower. After about 20 minutes, Hajime grew bored and uses his 'protagonist powers' to convince Chiaki to continue on his quest. And by protagonist powers, I mean it was a boring ass quest and Chiaki thought it'd be more fun on Hajime's quest. Max wasn't happy about Hajime being a dumbass and sidetracking them and just fucking nipped Hajime's hand.

"Okay, I deserve that." Hajime replied, rubbing his now-sore hand. They laugh a bit at the reaction, but they really shouldn't be laughing. Komaeda, the evil Disney fucking villain he is, was in his castle, staring at a crystal ball that has an image of our heroes. He laughed to himself, glancing at the now-brainwashed twink that is Lucas. The clown corrupted the twink, what the shit. Also, the crystal ball is Hagakure's, what the fuck Hagakure.

"Ah yes, this will be a true battle of hope. I love the hope that resides in Hajime-kun." Clownmaeda spoke, more to himself than his captive. Lucas just sat there, gay as fuck for Komaeda in his brainwashed state.

Okay, that was terrible. let's go back to the trio of heroes we've all grown to love. At this point, they've spent the day walking and they're all tired as fuck. Well, they were walking down the wrong fucking path because Damien is dumb. They realized this a bit later and Hajime wanted to punch someone. "Maybe if we split up, we'll find the right path?" Max asked, because he's a smart bean. Hajime and Chiaki agree to split up and they all go their separate ways. 20 minutes later. Hajime found a path that looks promising, so he walked back to find Chiaki and Max. Well, Chiaki was kind of caught up in something. On his way to find Chiaki and/or Max, Max met up with him. They finally reached Chiaki. Hajime pales when he sees the situation she's in. She had been captured by Killer Keemstar. He really didn't want to fight this fucker, but if it's to save Chiaki, he will.

The battle was long and grueling, but, it finally ends, with Hajime killing the beast, at the expense of a majority of health and stamina. He brightened when he realized he had the 'potion' his grandfather gave him. He hurriedly drank it and blinked. "GODDAMMIT IT'S ORANGE JUICE!" He yelled, and you could almost hear Damien laughing from his cottage. Chiaki sighed and gave him her potions, claiming she didn't need them because she was such a high level. He drank a few, saving a majority for the final boss battle. Finally, after a boring and grueling journey, they arrived at the clown castle in about a day. They have plenty of time left.

The clown castle had the appearance of a clown house and it's honestly disturbing. No one wanted to go in, but can you blame them? That shit is probably creepy. They stared at the castle in fear until Hajime heard an oddly familiar voice. There was a clown guard's face behind a sewer grate and Hajime just fucking gave up trying to understand things. This is some IT bullshit. "You'll float too," was what the clown guard said and Hajime about lost it. Why him? He just pulled the group into the clown house, not wanting to deal with the clown guard's bullshit. They looked around the clown house and it was pretty barren, which was odd. He came all this way to get the twink back, where the fuck was Komaeda? Max suddenly came in and lead them down a sewer ladder. Yep, Komaeda's true lair was a fucking sewer. Hajime reached a open area, and there, in the dim light, was Komaeda sleeping on the clown guardian like a dragon would slumber on his treasure.

Hajime let out a gasp, but a very sarcastic gasp. This was extremely predictable. I mean, come on? A Dragon steals a treasure and now a hero has to retrieve it? Cliché. Sadly, this woke up Komaeda and Hajime stared at him. As Komaeda was woken, Lucas was already up and going to attack the trio. Chiaki just fucking knocked out Lucas, making sure he wasn't killed. That was a short battle. Hajime silently thanked Chiaki for not killing him. He really wouldn't appreciate it if he got his ass chewed out by Damien and Floyd for getting Lucas killed.

"Alright, you fucking clown, let's duel," Hajime said, pulling out his grandfathers longsword and pointing it at Komaeda. The clown just laughed and stared at him.

"You fool, I will choose the duel and the duel will be a rap battle," Komaeda snickered, leaving Hajime to want to strangle him. A fucking rap battle. You fucking cuck.

"Alright, I guess we're doing this." Hajime said and proceeded to rap the following:

"Calling all units, shots fired

Shots fired in front of the Supreme store

There's about to be a 261 in progress

Send all available units

Send in the back-up

Send in the big guns

Send in the canine unit

Send in the... fuck

I wanna be gay 'cause you're fucked and I wanna savor it

But it's cool, after smashing you I'll you 2K

Oh, no! You getting mad?

Gonna knock the phone right out of my hand?

That shit was fucking absurd

You're a "rapper" who can't resolve shit with words?

Talk like you eating some paste, ayy

Is that your IQ or your age? Ayy

Say to your audience face, ayy

How Jacob Sartorius tastes

Ayy, you look afraid, must have seen a ghostwriter

Well, ditto, little bitch, but I'm not scared to show mine

[Boyinaband]

Woo! You've been pretending

Ever since your little rice balls descended

Let kids think you did it all

When you weren't capable of making up playground insults

That's bad, but then I heard you try to rap

I was more disappointed than when I found out

Casey Neistat didn't have nice tats

Boy, gotta flex

Gotta flex, flex, flex

Because when you've got no personality

Replace it with a Rolex

You really don't see your friends rolling their eyes?

Hoping to die, they're so tired

Of you throwing the price of what you buy in their face

No, no, no, no, you think they're gonna say

[iDubbbz]

"Oh my God, you're such a legend

You make me so wet with your reckless spending

You gained my respect and you're oh so funny

Please, take me to your mansion and fuck me!"

You're fucking delusional

So try your best to remember

You are not a pimp

You're a borderline sex offender

Diss boy a flavor of the month

But which is it, huh?

A whiny Vietnamese wanna-be gangsta

It's salt and vinegar

You're like Kanye without the talent

Like Jackie Chan but a little faggot

Like Soulja Boy but...

Actually, yeah, you're exactly like Soulja Boy

[Boyinaband iDubbbz]

Say you don't wanna look like a little bitch

But, dude, you're gonna be crucified

How can you claim that shit

When you're too scared to go in on PewDiePie?

[iDubbbz]

Little hoe, little bitch

Suck my 5.3-inch dick

Admit that you just got pounded

I'd say "take the L" if you could pronounce it

(Get it, because you're Asian?)

(That's what you wanted, right?)

(Hey, let's make fun of the Asian boy with his Asian boyish eyes)

Jesus Christ, you're as predictable as a house tour

To call you surface level would be an insult to the ground floor

[Boyinaband]

Whatever you've promised to follow, you've quit

You can't persist for shit, you narcissistic prick

Your audience is fickle, here's what I predict

Your channel's bound to crash down to rubble (oh, no!)

How the fuck can someone called Gum

Not realize they're in a bubble?

But let me guess, I'm irrelevant, right?

Isn't that your excuse?

When you're too stupid to explain your views

'Cause you're as basic as a one-block Rubik's Cube

You're an insecure, unoriginal little bitch and that's that

So, come to think of it

You're actually the dog filter on Snapchat

[iDubbbz]

Got cash, cash, money and the views and the clicks

And yet you're always gonna be a little bitch

Now I'm finished as planned

It was just three minutes so it wasn't that bad

But I got one question to ask you, bro

Did it feel good, though?"

Komaeda stood there, stunned, while Max just fucking cheered bc Komaeda got roasted B). Then, he proceeded to say the following:

"dirty mop dirty mop dirty mopdirty mop dirty mop dirty mopdirty mop dirty mop dirty mopdirty mop dirty mop dirty mopdirty mop dirty mop dirty mopdirty mop dirty mop dirty mopdirty mop dirty mop dirty mopdirty mop dirty mop dirty mopdirty mop dirty mop dirty mopdirty mop dirty mop dirty mopdirty mop dirty mop dirty mopdirty mop dirty mop dirty mopdirty mop dirty mop dirty mopdirty mop dirty mop dirty mop dirty mop dirty mop dirty mop."

Before the rest of the battle could continue, Hajime groaned and just fucking cut off Komaeda's head with his aho-gay. He didn't want to deal with this clown's shit anymore, but now he was drenched in clown blood, gross. Lucas blinked and looked around frantically, confused. "Oi, where th' fock is me vegemite, n why the fock does it smell lik' shit?" He asked, in his thick kangaroo-fucking, vegemite-slurping Australian accent. after that outburst, they made their way home and everyone was reunited. Floyd kissed his husband, Lucas, Chiaki played her video games, Hajime got orange juice and all was right.

"Alright you fucks, that's it, that's the end of the story, now go home." Danny DeVito in a Spider-Man costume exclaimed, closing the story book


End file.
